The Tournament That Never Was
by Bill Delaune

In the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine”, four guys wake up after a crazy night of drinking in a hot tub which transports them back and forth from the present to the past.

Well, I had a similar experience recently when I went to sleep in the bathtub after celebrating Cinco de Mayo at Las Palmas on a night where the half-priced margaritas packed a bigger wallop than a Julio Chavez left hook.

The dream or vision or epiphany that followed mixed not only some elements of the present and past but also crossed over into my ill-fated announcing career, the old Gonzales Country Club and the now-you-see-it, now-you-don’t Jambalaya Golf Tournament that was revived a couple of years ago only to disappear again in 2010.

Obviously my recollections are foggy at best but basically it seemed that my two favorite play-by-play cohorts Lyall Boudreaux and Kevin Shillings were working this year’s Jambalaya Tourney at the old GCC and I was the roving reporter on the 9-hole course. Remember, at Gonzales there were only nine greens with two sets of tees for each hole to create an 18-hole tract.

Golfers-both living and deceased-were participating and they drifted in and out like a scene from Dickens’s “Christmas Carol”. The strange part about it was that a sports psychologist once suggested I hear the voice of a television commentator saying positive things during my pre-shot routine (as if I needed to hear any more voices in my head). But during this fantasy, I could hear TV announcers but one of them was me.

Confused? Don’t feel like Delaune Ranger. Anyway, this is sort of the way it looked-and sounded- during my night in the tub…

Lyall-Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, broadcasting live from the 2010 Jambalaya Golf Tournament at the luxurious Gonzales Country Club on the banks of the picturesque New River, I’m Lyall Boudreaux and-hold on we already have some breaking news from inside the historical 1962 style clubhouse. Kevin, what do you have for us? Kevin-Lyall, we’re in here with the Super Seniors who have just completed their rounds and there seems to be some controversy in the scoring. Donald and Jimmy Arceneaux, self-proclaimed “cousins all our lives”, played in a threesome today with longtime golfing partner Weber Mansur. This is the same trio that once gained notoriety in the 1960’s when they departed Gonzales Country Club on a Monday bound for an LSU-Rice game in Houston and missed the seven o’clock kickoff due to numerous stops in between. But now -as they anxiously await a foursome anchored by Boogie Babin-several adult beverages have been consumed and the group grows restless while waiting not only the outcome of the tournament but more importantly the outcome of the side bet. Jimmy, could you tell us about the holdup.

Jimmy-Four scores. All we need are four scores and we can figure all the bets. And I’ve already had seven beers. Hey, wait a minute. Four scores and seven beers ago-isn’t that from the Bible or something.

Kevin-As you can see, Lyall, confusion reigns supreme in here. Let’s see what Bill has on 18.

Bill-Kevin, we’ve got plenty of excitement out here as “Fast Eddie” Wilson is lining up an 18-inch par putt to win a Coors Light from playing opponent Bud Lambert. Lambert has refused to concede the putt even though both players are hopelessly out of the running because a beer changes hands on every par made in this brutal 2-man competition. Lambert seems to be saying something-let’s see if we can pick it up.

Bud-Won’t take you but a second to sweep that in, you goober.

Bill-Wilson ignores the barbs and strokes it. The ball hits the right lip, makes a 360 around the hole and drops in. What a finish! Eddie can you describe that last effort.

Eddie-All-around good putt is all I can say. We may be high handicap golfers but we’re scratch drinkers.

Bill-Lyall, is that some trouble at the pond on number eight?

Lyall-Unfortunately yes, Bill. After hitting three consecutive balls into the water, my uncle Lefty Boudreaux has thrown his entire set of clubs-bag and all into the pond surrounding the eighth green. Then remembering his wallet and car keys were still in the bag, he has crawled into the muddy slime with assistance from his brother Roland in an attempt to retrieve those articles.

Let’s hope their LSU season baseball tickets weren’t in that bag although this might not be a bad year to dispose of those ducats.

Kevin, looks like you have more confusion around the number two green near Cornerview Road.

Kevin-Yes, Lyall, a 3-man rules committee is trying to figure out where to place a ball hit by Pete Robbins that landed next to the woods and was carried off by a stray dog to Henry’s Bar. The head of the committee-former judge Pegram Mire- has recused himself from the matter citing a close friendship with the defendant. That has created a stalemate between members Johnny “Tournament” Dupree and Myles “Catman”Bourque who have been fighting like-well, cats and dogs. Dupree wants the ball to be played at a “dogleg” to the hole while Bourque favors Robbins going into the bar to play it as a” sleeping dog lies”-as long as he uses a designated driver.

The fast-playing Robbins has become frustrated with the delay-Pete, did you see what kind of dog took your ball?

Pete-Well, it looked like a cross between a bulldog and a shih tzu which is appropriate because this is all a bunch of bull…

Kevin-Thank you, Pete, and Lyall, is that you down at the mouth of the Grand Goudene where it empties into New River?

Lyall-It certainly is, Kevin and in a startling turn of events, two of the tour’s most visible players have withdrawn from the tournament. Mike Waguespack, who along with wife Belinda and Chad Braud, was instrumental in reviving this event in 2007, has just hit what he described as a “small bucket of balls” out of bounds here on number 10 and has dropped out.

Then seconds later, another battery of balls from the other direction-namely, the 15th tee-came off the driver face of Randall Aldridge and found the waters where he and his brothers once ruled the hunting and fishing world. Guys, can you briefly sum up what happened?

Mike-Lyall, it’s just impossible to try and run a tournament and focus on playing too. That’s why Jack Nicklaus never wins his Memorial Tournament-or maybe it’s because he doesn’t play any more.

Randall-I’m headed in to help brother Bama under that pavilion over there with the preparation of tonight’s meal. Let’s just say I’d rather cook than hook anyway.

Lyall-So there you have it. Bill, is everything all right over at the number six green. I see quite a crowd gathering.

Bill-All right is not the term I’d use right now, Lyall. A wayward shot hit by Nathan LaPorte off the number one tee ricocheted off some cement blocks and nicked short-game expert Lionel Glaze on the ear as he putted out on six.

But-unfazed by the graze, Glaze came out of a daze and continued to amaze with his putter ablaze.

Lyall-Statements like that are why you’re always looking for work, Bill. Is anything being done to rectify the problem?

Bill-Right now club manager Woody Brown and former manager Tom Marchand are exploring some possibilities. Let’s listen in…

Woody-Maybe we could stretch a shrimp net between those two trees right there.

Tom-For what, Woody? You’re not going to catch any shrimps out there.

Woody-You see. That’s why we don’t have any common robbery around here anymore.

Bill-Not since Wayne Delmore left anyway. What’s all the excitement down in the slough, Kevin? Are the wetlands people up in arms again about some nearly-extinct palmetto?

Kevin-Not this time, Bill, but we may have just witnessed the shot of the tournament. Al “Chooky Looky” Kling hit his second shot on number five deep into these cypress trees and his ball wedged in the roots. Appearing to have no shot, Kling assessed his situation while wielding two or three clubs like chopsticks when a roar from number seven distracted everyone for several seconds.

We were informed that Bubba Worsham had holed out his second shot for a double eagle on the par five. But that shot paled in comparison when everybody looked back to see Kling’s chip shot come out clean as a whistle and nestle into the hole for a three.

Gee, Al, I thought you were stymied back there with roots all around and trees in front of you. How did you even get a club on that ball?

Al-Sheer talent, my lad, sheer talent.

Kevin-Lyall, what’s all the commotion at 18?

Lyall-Kevin, another game-within- a- game situation. Hubbie Lavigne is claiming victory in the prestigious “Reindeer Games”-the brainchild of Chick Edmonston that involves longest drive and closest to the hole on the final hole of play. As I understand the rather ambiguous rules, a player must be on the green to qualify which would make Hubbie the winner. But Chick is claiming victory because he is closer to the hole but just off the putting surface-and because of his status as the games organizer.

Chick, how can you openly change the rules to allow you to win this time?

Chick-Let’s just call it “fringe benefits” for the time being, Lyall. And don’t forget, these rules are radioactive to last January.

Lyall-Did they ever get that mess cleaned up on two, Bill.

Bill-About like BP did with the oil spill. Robbins flexed his ample muscle and got a favorable ruling. And I’m certain Johnny Dupree will still make his next Southpaw’s gig despite the broken arm. But the big news here is that Mike Roussel shot himself out of contention with a 13 on this hole despite having a floating mulligan that he hadn’t used. A mulligan, of course, is a one-time do over usually used on the first tee. But in this tourney, it could be used at any time. Mike, can you tell us why you didn’t use your mulligan on that horrendous hole?

Mike-Well, Bill, I didn’t think I was ever in trouble.
Bill-Okay, guys. Any ideas on who might win this thing?

Kevin-I think it will be a family affair with either one of the Brown boys-Dennis or Ronnie-or one of the Lavignes as in Sam or Jamie.

Lyall-I like the consistency of Chad Braud and Don Dixon right now. What about you, Bill?

Bill-I like Terrell Bourgeois-in a close shave.

And that’s when I woke up. In the spring of 2010 with more wrinkles on me than the winner of the “Mr. Prune” contest. Still without an announcing job due to some incredibly bad puns. And still without a Jambalaya Tournament either.