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Oh the fond memories we’ll have of the year 2008. Everybody’s 401K went kaput. O. J. Simpson finally went to jail. And George W. Bush went off into the Texas sunset leaving us with a country in mass destruction.
But that’s why the Good Lord put our eyes in front of our head instead of the back so we can see where we’re going and not where we’ve been. So let’s peer into our crystal BCS ball and see what’s in store for the year 2009…
January -
Controversy rears its ugly head at the first Gonzales council meeting of the year when some of the older councilmen forget that the town has a new mayor for the first time in 32 years.
“That’s not the mayor,” says one pointing at newly-elected Barney Arceneaux. “Johnny Berthelot was a friend of mine and he’s not Johnny Berthelot.”
“That’s not the mayor,” chime in another. “The mayor doesn’t have that much hair.”
When newly-elected Chief of Police Sherman Jackson arrives to restore order, a new refrain breaks out from the same senior group.
“That’s not the chief. Bill Landry was a lot-uh-a lot shorter.”
On the national scene, newly-inaugurated President Obama vows to lead a national health program by taking a 5-mile hike each morning and giving up soda pop for good old H2O.
The major networks-enthralled by any move the President makes-all carry the same story lead on the six o’clock news-“Obama Walks on Water”.
February-
My Cousin Vinny wins a monumental case in the Supreme Court for the Utah football team giving the undefeated Utes a chance to play for a championship.
“Dese Utes have done nuttin’ wrong,” pleads Vinny in his closing statement.
Since the BCS games are all over, the Court rules that Utah must be allowed to play in the Super Bowl where they manhandle Eli Manning and the New York Giants.
“Utahk about a team,” becomes a popular ad slogan.
March-
A tearful Brett Favre calls a press conference to announce that he will announce whether or not he will retire some time during this century.
With the ESPN cameras zooming in from every angle, Favre dabs his eyes with a tissue and throws it toward a trash can. But before the Kleenex reaches its intended target, it is intercepted by Ed Reed.
President Obama announces that the ailing economy needs “some healing quick” and that he plans to “upgrade some deeds” on a mortgage plan.
The media-either misunderstanding or hearing what they want-proclaims the news in banner headlines-“Obama Heals the Sick, Raises the Dead!”
April-
The money-grabbing Tiger Athletic Fund (TAF) decides to place a surcharge on anyone who even drives by the new LSU baseball field on Nicholson Drive.
“We figure 50 dollars a car is just about right,” said TAF representative I. P. Nichols, “with a few bucks more for trucks and vans. Why Florida and Alabama are already charging twice
that much to pay for their billionaire coaches.”
In golf news, Tiger Woods returns from knee surgery to win the Masters using only his crutch. He then captures the title on “Dancing with the Stars” while performing all the routines while standing on his hands.
May-
The Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 are both won by Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is finally convicted on two counts-plagiarizing Bobby Kennedy’s hairstyle from 1968 and having a name that not even the late, super-articulate WWL legend Buddy Diliberto could pronounce.
Chicago idol Mike Ditka-former coach of “Da Bears”-is named to fill the post although critics complain that he looks like Eddie Munster grown up.
June-
The undefeated New York Yankees clinch the earliest American League pennant ever after owner Hank Steinbrenner buys up all the other teams and stocks them with Class D minor leaguers who have no chance against his all-star lineup.
President Obama confesses that he does stray from his water diet from time to time for an occasional glass of Merlot.
“Obama Turns Water into Wine!” screams the headlines.
July-
Governor Sarah Palin-hoping to cure her state’s financial woes-sells Alaska back to Russia.
“Well, you betcha I did,” said the former beauty contest winner. “They have been sitting right next to us when I wake up every morning and it just seemed like a doggone good idea for both sides.”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is sent north to Alaska to help clean up the mess and husband Bill volunteers to come along to check out some of those old legends about guests being allowed to sleep with Eskimo wives.
“Just call me Nanookie of the North,” dead pans the former President.
August-
Golfer Phil Mickleson blows the PGA Tournament when his belly putter gets lost in his rather ample naval base-now roughly the size of Pensacola’s.
The winner is a slim, svelte John Daly who returns from suspension at a surprisingly fit 180 pounds.
When pressed for the secret of his success, Daly responds, “Last year the police found me drunk outside a Hooters. This year the doctors found a Hooters girl inside of me.”
September-
A tearful Brett Favre vows to try retirement one more time and returns to Southern Mississippi to try and complete his degree in Tractor Pulling and Wild Boar Stalking.
But Favre runs into some trouble with the Dean when he tries to pass a note in class-and it is intercepted by Ed Reed.
October-
Frustrated by another one-sided loss to Florida, LSU football coach Les Miles fires his entire defensive staff and replaces them with former vice-president Dick Cheney.
“Dick has lots of experience in defending the shotgun offense,” explains Miles.
The Chicago Cubs stun the baseball world by sweeping past the stagnant New York Yankees to win the World Series.
Chicago’s favorite son President Obama is obviously delighted. “Now that’s a real miracle!” he declares.
An angry Hank Steinbrenner threatens to move his underachieving team to the Philippine Islands and rename them the Manila Folders.
November-
The number one ranked Southern California Trojans are upset by the Napa Valley Wonderful Winos causing great distress among many of the country’s sportscasters who had anointed the year’s USC team “the greatest of all time” for the tenth consecutive year.
The Trojans tumble all the way to second in most polls behind Utah who is under a court order to remain in the top five and Brett Musburger is placed on suicide watch.
China dominates the world championships in women’s gymnastics led by Wa Tu Yung who wows the judges with her dismount from an umbilical cord.
December-
Auburn fires another football coach and in desperation places an ad on EHarmony- “Wanted-Single, white male who enjoys long walks in the fall along the sidelines on the Plains.”
Plexico Burris fulfills his mother’s prophecy from long ago when she refused to get him a BB gun as a kid because “you’ll shoot yourself in the thigh.”
A tearful Brett Favre makes a pass at foxy sidelines announcer Erin Andrews during still another retirement interview.
Fortunately, the pass is intercepted by Ed Reed.
Happy New Year to everyone!
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